The Wonderwall

They said,

 “Never go alone. Never put yourself alone too much. Slowly, you will grow fond with the idea of solitude”. 

Yes, solitude. The idea of peace and soundless environment. The idea of world without crowded noisy human

I used to be called as a happy pill. As a fun and happy go lucky girl who brings nothing but only happiness and positive vibes to others. I was extrovert - is what they thought

Slowly, gradually. That side of me has faded. I was already fall. Fall into the pit hole of solitude I wasn’t prepared for. It was a mistake that could never be fixed as I fell too deep that even a ladder nor string could pull me out of it. An aftermath that could never turn back anymore. I begin to build a wall. A wonderwall that separated me from the outside would.

I remember having a close friend. Yes, I did. It was nice indeed. I was having a lot of joyful moment. I was in cloud nine

I remember opening my heart, my feelings to others. They listened to me with all their ears. Like they were interested in me. Like they understand every bit of my problems and messed up life.

But,

A parasite. No, several parasites to be frank. Begin to consume all that pieces of memory and side of me. Old scars hurt me. The past haunted me. I have issues.

I begin to questions everything

What if they don’t really listen to me like everyone did?

What if they’re pretending to be my friends out of pity like you did?

What if they leave me someday and turn against me like she did?

What if slowly they loss interest in me and left me like he did?

What if I annoyed them that it’s too much now for them to handle just like others did?

The wonderwall of mine is thickening and growing by day. I started to keep an indistinctive line with my friends. I started to hold all the pain by myself. Never once expressed my feelings. I was never near nor far from them. I was in the middle line of grey of black and white. I could never express everything to them. I was choking. Something is stopping me from projecting that rough husky voice of mine.

I was alone but never lonely. The idea of solitude has controlled me. The anxiety and depression empowered me.

Hot cup of caffeine, slow-instrumental music, a sketchbook, a pencil and a book are my bestfriends during the day. A blue-striped blanket, pillows, a dark pitch-black room and again, the music are my best companion that keep me sleeping during the starry night. Sometimes the tears come join too.

That wall, is now so thick that even a wrecking ball could never breakthrough. So high that no one could ever cross over it.

For those who wonders what happened to me? What am I doing right now?

I am here fine as always. Secretly enjoying myself being alone behind this wonderwall of mine. Holding my faith, I was born with – Islam. Reaching for some bit of light with help of Quran to lighten up this broken dim heart I own and seeking for Him. Only Him. To help me gasping for some air. To keep me being alive. To slow down the parasites from killing me..

I am here. Behind the wonderwall. Hiding behind the mask of beautiful smile. Waiting for someone to reach for my hand and escape from it. Unlocking the closed heart.