the downfall

Assalamualaikum. Dear Ayah,

I remember that there are times when I start questioning myself about Allah.

I lost my father when i was 4 (almost) years old. I was raised by a really busy single mother with 6 siblings. Im the shortest one in the family and the only things i do the best are ranting, crying, get sick and make a mess with my doodles-so-called-drawing-arts

People keep on comparing me with my sisters and mum. People keep telling me, "Kakak tinggi, cantik. Kenapa kau camni eh?" , "kakak kemain bergaya tapi adik selekeh",t "Aliah asal kau tak lawa cam diorang" , "Mak elok dah cantik. Ni anak ni kenapa comot sangat" and once an uncle told me "Robizan u cantik tapi why anak u tak cantik cam u eh?"

This happened during my school days. I was devastated of course eventhough I was 9-10 years old. I lose my self-esteem. I scratch my face, I tore my hand. I begin to isolated myself. I got my own world, my own imaginary friends. i dont talk much and im not the cutest girl. I have this dark imagination no one knows. I dont like taking pictures. Animals and dolls are my best buddies

Why? Why do I born with this ugly face, this short legs, this big teeth? Why I wasnt talented enough? Smart enough? Why do I keep on falling sick?

I keep on telling myself I had the worst life ever. Allah hates me. Allah doesnt love me. If He does, why do I was always feel like I was neglected?

But then,a sudden realisation hits me. I told myself.

"Instead of ranting and mumbling on how tough your life is, why dont you starts to listen and open your eyes to the world"

That when I realize how ungrateful I was. How I was blessed by Him without I myself realize it. How He always been there for me.

I may not the prettiest or tallest in the family, well at least I look the youngest thanks to this short legs. I chew faster than others thanks to this big teeth. I dont have any talent but hey, who needs talent when you got ambition and passion? People may not notice me, may not interested with my story. Well, at least my cats do. The animals love me and interested in me. Im not stylish but hey, Im comfortable with myself. Why do i even care about what people think of me? At least, Im trying to be pretty in His eyes.

You are not alone. He is always there for you. You are loved and blessed by Him. Always do. Remember, whenever you are tested by him with toughness, there will always be someone else out there wish he/she was you. Someone had their life tougher than you so be grateful with what you have. Say 'Alhamdulillah'. The main blessing He gave to you is to be born as a Muslims.

He never leave you with something you cant bear. La tahzan innallah ma'ana 

The main purpose I updated this isnt to get praised, sympathy or compliment from others.

Im sharing some of my experience coz I believe that we all have/may experience a downfall, the toughest moment in our life. We all been mocked, been downgraded, discouraged by our flaws or mistakes and be look down on. Some may have gone through a lot of hardships, harder than Ive faced to be where they are standing now

"what doesnt kill us make us stronger"
"The negativity in you is what ruining you"

What Im trying to deliver here is instead of using our mouth to complain, we should choose to listen and see more. Look at the Palestian kids. Look at all the misfortune kids - blind, deaf and paralyzed. Theyre barely even breath the same oxygen as we are.

Ive listened to their stories. Read them. How lucky we really are and blind we are. The blessings are more than we were ever imagined.

It doesnt matter who you are, where you are. Learn to love yourself more and treasure everything you have. Life is too precious to stress out for. Worry ends when faith begins wink emoticon

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